Not Feeling the Love

For most of my life I’ve had self-esteem issues.  I don’t use that phrase lightly or with any kind of ego.  I’m not desiring to look upon myself more than I should.  I was the kid in school (kindergarten through about sixth) that had no friends.  Sure at times I did but that was probably due to some parent telling their child to be friends with me.  This would include the occasional playing at someone’s house or playing on the play ground, but most of the time I was worse than the odd man out.

Because of this I learned to fend for myself.  I became accustomed to being by myself and preferring to be.  I became extremely independent (on top of being a first born).  But I also became critical of those who say they’re my friends.  I struggle very deeply in trusting that people like me and want to be my friend rather than just acting like they do.  This obviously strains relationships on my end.  It is difficult when you don’t feel loved let alone liked.  It isn’t fair to your friends when you are second guessing if the time they are investing in you is real or if it is something they feel they are supposed to do.

I am unsure if I’ll ever get over this hurdle.  I can only pray that God would only bring people into my life that really do enjoy my friendship.