More and more it seems that God is trying to weed eat apply a heavy dose weed killer on the pride that is in my life. I’m learning more and more that things that don’t appear to be pride…ARE.
These are things that I am having a hard time giving up. I want to hold on to them with the grip of a newborn all because they don’t seem like pride, but God is revealing they are anything but not pride.
Pride seems to have invaded my life (okay I probably should just admit I was born with a healthy dose of pride) recently. Maybe it’s just the fact that God is opening up my eyes more and more. I don’t want pride. I want to live in humility. I want to be a servant (which in one area has led to pride).
Pride isn’t always, “Hey, look at me. I’m faanntastic!!” It’s usually small things. Here are some things that He’s been revealing in my own life:
Not allowing others to help me. This was revealed to me through a message by Pete Wilson. I can do it by myself. I don’t need others help. It’s just easier to do it than to wait for someone, or have to do it over again cause someone did it wrong to begin with. When Shawn and I first were married we lived on the third floor of our apartment complex. No elevator. I would carry as many groceries as I feasibly could by myself up all three flights. My excuse: I’m gonna be a mom someday I need practice carrying a whole bunch of things at one time. In reality I probably didn’t want to burden Shawn. This plays into our marriage even today. I don’t want to inconvenience him or cause there to be a burden on his shoulders – even with something dumb like helping around the house, which he wants to do – all because I love him. However, not allowing others to help me does a few things:
1. It steals away the opportunity for someone to bless me.
2. It makes it about me and what I can do.
3. It tells God I don’t need Him.
I’m learning to give this up. It’s difficult. I’m naturally independent so doing things on my own is like wearing my own skin. It’s what I’m used to, it’s what makes me comfortable.
Defensiveness. I have been battling this more and more. Guards go up, steel walls encased in concrete protecting me from whatever one is trying to hurl at me. I want to protect what I’ve done, my work. This often comes up at work. Subtle accusations that I’m not doing my job right. I later make comments that I’m glad I keep records of everything so I can cover my butt. It’s more about proving myself than anything. I don’t need to be defensive. Whether it’s in my marriage where I have open communication with Shawn, or hard questions asked by a friend concerning decisions Shawn and I have to make, or my job. My responsibility is to respond to questions, respond to subtle accusations in a calm, non-defensive way. To not one-up anyone. To let down those defenses.
I’ve daily been repenting and asking God to remove the overabundance of pride that plagues my being. Jesus was/is the epitome of humility. He has given me more than ever a desire for my life to be paralleled with His. Humility is a big part of that mirror image.
He’s recently placed this verse in my mind and it rolls over and over in there:
Micah 6:8 (NIV)
He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
In this one verse all that Jesus lived out on this earth is summed up. This is how I’m wanting to be also.
“I don’t want to inconvenience him or cause there to be a burden on his shoulders”
This is a message that has gone thru my brain for years “I don’t want to be a burden” – I wonder who in our families taught us we were an inconvenience or a burden? I wonder why I have never seen that as pride before…
Me too friend… me too… I feel like so many of the posts you write I find myself shaking my head up and down because your words so reflect my heart too
I never thought of it that way either. I don’t know that it’s me wanting to be a burden but especially with Shawn is I just want to serve him. Not in a “he’s lording it over me” kind of way but it’s just my hearts desire.
Dang!! that is a hard prayer to pray Prudy! Way to take it on. I have been on an off that prayer route for a lifetime. Still working on surrendering. I can say that for the first time i am starting to get it. That is so hard. Surrendering me has taken more than just my pride. He has a funny way of including other things!
Yeah, throw in some selfishness, anger issues, lack of patience, and you have me. I really would rather be clean than dirty though. And yes it is a hard prayer. But the struggle you endure is so much easier than His sacrifice.
nodding my head right along with you and praying that prayer. pride is sooo sneaky like that!
I hate it when there is all this jabber going on in my head & I can’t seem to make it coherent and not rambling!!
As I unknowingly (sort of) feel into addiction, I had every defense known to fight with anyone (including myself) who even questioned my extra pills here & there. How dare they question me! I’m a pharmacist. The mind goes to places I never want to revisit.
Addict Girl knew it all. She had battle plans ready. She was stealthly. No one could see what I was doing! I guess she thought she had the power of invisibility! She didn’t. She was the only one who didn’t know she was in trouble.
I didn’t want to reach out! There was no way anyone was going to tell me how to live my life. Not my employer, not the pharmacy board, not God. No. One. I have chronic pain from 3 back surgeries that were each somewhat helpful, but not totally. I was going to treatment to learn how to take pain pills correctly. Wait. Didn’t I go to school for 5 years & graduate with a B.S. in Pharmacy? Almost 30 years ago? Hmmmm.
But, I finally made a better choice. Outpatient treatment. Try this 12 step program. Get a sponsor. Get back with God. He stood by me when I couldn’t feel Him.
It is very humbling to dig deep to find myself again. To make lists of gratitude. Of amends. Of goals. Reaching out since I certainly can’t do this by myself. Humbling. Admitting, not defeat, but victory over this disease of addiction. I am a winner.
I celebrated 3 years clean on the 11th. Celebrated with friends this past Saturday. Listened to people say awesome things about me. Very humbling. I’ve only lived here 11 months, but feel so at home with these new friends.
I learned in treatment how to simply say “thank-you” after a compliment. Humbling. Just thank-you.
ugh. my pride often masks itself as false humility. i need to see it for what it really is… and do something about it.
I think pride is probably the sin the most Christians fall into easiest. It’s an easy way for the enemy to cause us to stumble. In truth even the fall had everything to do with pride as it did just not obeying God’s commandment. And it has so many facets. It’s a dirty, stanky sock it is.
I never, ever, thought about wanting to do everything on my own… as being a way of not allowing God to bless me.
You have given me a mouth full to chew on.
Thank you so much for such a thought provoking post!
Thank you for visiting Angel. It is indeed a lot to chew on.