Monday night as I was writing yesterday’s post, I was reminded of a poem I wrote back in 1994. I think it was the first poem I ever wrote. It was written out of a desperately empty heart. I debated sharing it here because I was not sure it fit. It is in some ways highly personal and after sharing it with one person they told me it was depressing. Despite that, it’s remained close to my heart.
As I said I wasn’t sure about posting it until today (Tuesday). It was this comment by a dear friend that was confirmation. I’m still not sure how it fits into my post from yesterday, but I felt the undeniable pressure to post it here.
No Answer
Dry and fragile, like the fall leaves,
my spirit finds no satisfaction, no relief.
I cry out “Oh my God, where are you now?”
Yet, still this emptiness lingers with no relief.
My heart finds joy and is soaring,
like an eagle on the blue.
How then, my heart then finds
no joy and comfort to ease my aching soul?
I cry out again, “Oh Lord, my God?
Where are you now?”
But still no answer to this loneliness I feel.
.
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Wow..that sounds like a Psalm.
This poem reminds me of a day earlier this year…picture God holding a woman in His arms as she beats and pounds on His chest. That woman was me.
I had just lost my daughter and could not feel Him. I begged and begged for relief, to just feel His presence, to live in that secret place for a bit.
Face on the floor sobbing, I yelled at Him that He had promised to never leave me. I told Him now was the time I needed peace. I was so desperate.
I felt this urge to repent, but I didn’t know what. It didn’t feel like I had anything left. I just told Him, anything else I surrender. All I am is yours, God.
Suddenly, I felt peace wash over me, and I literally said out loud “was that you, God?” Then I laughed at my ridiculousness, because YES. That was Him.
Then I felt the strongest tug on my heart, and He said, I was always here. Sometimes you are too overwhelmed to see Me, sometimes I don’t show Myself to you. It is all in My perfection and for My glory. Increase your surrender and I will increase your faith.
<3
{I hadn't remembered that day for many many days now. Thanks for the gentle reminder…}
I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. Seeing your words proves His faithfulness when we scream, yell, curse, blame Him. He stands, sits, holds us, loves us no matter what things we say, and when do surrender His peace is overwhelming.
This totally sounds like a prayer to God from the barren places… I love it.
It’s not depressing…it is raw and honest.
I have been there!! Asking the same questions, longing for the same presence…wondering where He was and thinking He had abandoned me…
When the silence was finally broken, He reminded me that He had always been there and that He will always be here. He promised to never leave or forsake us, and He is the only One who always keeps His promises!! Remembering to trust in that is a whole other issue
This does sound like a Psalm!! Thanks for sharing!!
This is not depressing! It is a raw, honest portrayal of someone calling out to God. Thank you for putting it out there.
BTW – you should check out Bianca Juarez’s post at (in)courage. It’s about growth in a dry, barren place.
there was a season of my life when God chose to remain silent as my heart was breaking in the wilderness. then i remember someone telling me: if God is quiet… then it means He trusts you with His silence.
i just want to share the same thing with you my dear…He trusts you with His silence.
I would like to start by saying that I was born in 1994 and I always think it is funny when someone talks about that year when they were like 16 or something like that.Now about this poem. I think it is great seriously. I don’t know how many times I have felt like God really isn’t responding. This then causes me to feel like my relationship with him is not as good as I thought it was. This soon adds to my loneliness and I am caught in the middle of not knowing what to do and feeling neglected.
I was 19. Oh I’m old.
At least you aren’t talking about the good old days or something like that because that is always a dead give away that this person is way older than you.
oh and somewhere around mid thirties is not old at all!!
I was 14
I loved this Pru! Such raw honesty. I believe God is most responsive to those honest, gut wrenching pleas. It’s just sometimes His response looks so different than we think it should. Thank you for sharing this with us. It is beautiful!
I didn’t find this depressing at all! It’s beautiful. It’s real and honest. Did you know the larger portion of the psalms are laments? God is not oppended, I don’t think, by such things.
wow. missed that one. Offended. *facepalm*
As someone else already said, when I read this I thought it sounded like a psalm. God knows our hearts.. when we are down and out He is our only hope. I used to write poetry too, but it’s been a long time. Hugs
Thank you for visiting Peggy.
I wrote my first poem in over 9 years a week or so ago. I was a welcome release.
You know, Prudence, I really do think you and I would get along just swell if we had the luxury of being back-door friends. Thanks for sharing your heart.
We’re Twitter back door friends. We won’t count those thousands of miles and different continents.
Yes we are!
) You know what I say to thousands of miles? I say pish-posh. That’s what I say.
Yep, Prudence, those words nailed it. It’s amazing to me how two people across vast miles can share the same “I get ya” “been there” heart issues.
I adore you