Life feels kinda like this right now. A hazy, swirly, complicated.
In part, it feels like the farther I get from ground zero of what catapulted me to state the harder it feels to go back to faith and trusting.
And of course all I hear about is faith.
My heart automatically puts up its thick walls of defense.
It’s hard to trust when you feel like God hasn’t held up His end of a bargain — which of course is a ridiculous concept.
But that’s how it feels.
A friend, who speaks in wisdom to us, says that God is exercising our faith in such a way that it’s in our face. And I feel like this is the case – that He’s standing with His arms woven together across His chest asking me now what, what are you going to do now?
In reality — this same question I’m posing to Him, with my arms knotted.
I wonder if I want to heal. If I want to trust again. Or if this anger it’s just easier, so I build my defense and push away every time I feel wooed.
This is – honestly – harder than I was expecting. I knew it would be hard……but this, this feels excruciating.
I want to take the short road to wholeness, while at the same time exercinging my interpreted right to the way I feel.
Really, I don’t know how to get back to good.
whew. don’t know much of what else to say except…yes. i get this. i think we all battle the want for shortcuts to wholeness. that doesn’t make it any easier, though. that doesn’t make getting back to good any more feasible.
praying for you, friend. lifting you up with my own weak arms of faith.