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Dóchas | OneWord 2012 (Hope)

January 1, 2012 in Hope, OneWord with 20 Comments

Hope.

It feels so distant.  And honestly I’m fearful of it.

To me, hope is the looking forward to, it is an anticipation.

I’m leery of anticipating what the future holds for us, for me because I’m still working through hope deferred.

Hope requires trust, and trust is presently difficult.

(Image Source)

At the time when God gave me this word it meant something completely different than what I hold in my hands this chilly winter’s day.  During those moments when the heat of summer beat down on my neck, it held an excitement for what might be, a dream.

Today it means something completely different, and like I said it causes fear and hesitation in my heart.

However, I accept this word that God has serenaded over me for the last five months.  I’m choosing to be vulnerable.

I hold out shaking hands with leery fingers and accept this gift.  He would not have given it to me if He didn’t think know I would need it.

Thank you for joining and walking with me in the journey to hope.

Mandy Steward of Messy Canvas wrote this great post on what to do with your One Word.  I plan to incorporate some of these into my year.  In fact, I’ve created a board at Pinterest.

Join our community at One Word 365.

{dóchas is the Irish word for hope.  i read the word in book and loved it.}

Are you joining in One Word this year, if so what is your Word?
Is there anything you’re doing with your Word to keep it flowing through your mind?

Living In Grace – OneWord 2011 Wrap Up

December 27, 2011 in Grace, OneWord with 10 Comments

When I accepted this challenge of focusing on grace at the beginning of the year, I would never have dreamed that eleven months later my life would fall apart in such a way that 12 months after accepting this cup, I would need to step into grace in such a way that I’m not sure I ever have.

This grace….even after 12 months….feels foreign.

After angry [one sided] conversations with God that He had abandoned us, that He doesn’t care about us – and the humility it takes to return, stepping into grace – a grace that is readily available before I even begin to think about coming back – has taken time.

As my friend Elora shares, “those quick-to-reach defense mechanisms {focus thieves} seem mighty tempting when your heart’s a little gun-shy about crashing into Grace.”

Like slowly wading into a cold swimming pool, I’ve begun wading into God’s rich graces.  It hasn’t been a tidal wave of emotion.  I think because I’m possibly still healing and grace and the wooing has been more of a salve.  As if He’s willing not to be hasty in 100% healing.

You never imagine life will turn out the way it does.  Whether the end results are happy or not.  It’s always much different than we picture.

As I look back over these past two months, I wonder if God orchestrated this year of grace for this season alone.  If it goes beyond merely becoming more like Him, to Him needing me to breathe it in.  That He knew I would need to know His grace doesn’t fluctuate the way mine does.  That it is more constant than the rising and setting of the sun, despite the accusations I prosecute Him with.  So, He made it my focus.  He zeroed my heart in on everything having to do with His grace for me.

I wrote back in June, that I was realizing that this learning of grace wouldn’t be finished when the clock strikes 2012.  Now, I realize just how much I’ll be learning about grace as 2011 dawns into 2012.

Next week I’ll be sharing my One Word for 2012.  I’ve known what it was for a while, and given my current circumstances – I see that He not only reaches across thousands and thousands of miles, but across the constraints of time to prepare us.

Merry & Cheer

December 25, 2011 in Life with 1 Comment

Elements of Grace: Leaving Majesty

December 23, 2011 in Grace, OneWord with 2 Comments

If I close my eyes I can see it.  The joy, the held breaths, the anticipation.  I picture angels watching silently, feeling every contraction  Mary felt, as the birth of the Savior drew to its climax.

I’m struck this Christmas season by “God with us”.  Struck that God would step down out of the majesty of Heaven to not only die for our sins, but to dwell with us.  To dwell in us.  Most probably because so much lately I’ve felt that He’s abandoned us and He’s directing every thought of mine to the fact that He hasn’t, that He is with us even in this.

So I see it in my mind’s imagination.  That night when love was birthed out of a young Jewish girl.  The pain and agony and the joy that angels declared in skies to mere shepherds.

God left His rightful place, His sanctuary to make us His sanctuary.

This servant-hood, this humility weighs heavy on me.

Out of grace for a lost world, He left it all behind.  He set aside His Godhood so that we might one day be redeemed.

And I see that too…grace.

Grace lying in a food trough.  Surrounded by the creation He formed out of dust and rib and spoken word.  With the scent of animal waste filling the air.

God, yes GOD, left His majesty for the sake of grace.

An Innkeeper’s Tale

December 21, 2011 in Faith with 6 Comments

Moe…over at Beta Christian has a (mostly) weekly series called Usual Suspects.  He takes everyday – and some not everyday – Bible stories and tells them from a different perspective.  They’re often insightful and even thought provoking.  Today’s post is inspired by his Usual Suspect series.  As Moe says…this text should never be taken as Gospel…it isn’t inherent.

(image source)

 What a night.  What a week!  We haven’t had the inn this full in….I don’t think we’ve ever had our little inn this full.  Bethlehem Ephrathah, our little town, wasn’t meant to be inundated with so many people at one time.

Every bed is full…and someone is sleeping in our main living area on the floor.  My poor, tired wife just delivered the last blanket to him.  I gaze at her as she wearily makes her way into the room.  She’s exhausted and so am I.  Our children are staying at my brother Jacob’s.  I smile at the thought of them all snuggled in bed with their cousins.  Laughing when they should be sleeping.

Oh, who could be knocking at this hour?  I really should come up with some way to let people know we don’t have any rooms left.  Some sort of sign or something I can put on the outside of the door.

As I open the door I see it in his eyes….anxiousness….excitement….urgency.  My eyes shift to hers and I recognize the pain in her young face, I’ve seen it on my dear wife’s face five times.  My heart beats faster as her tiny hands grip the bridle of the donkey as a contraction rips through her little body.  My heart breaks.

I look back at him and explain we have no rooms available, that we ourselves even gave up our beds.  I watch as his face falls in despair.  He nods and takes his wife’s hand and begins to turn away as tears of fear begin to well in his eyes.  I grab his arm and ask him to wait.

I hurry back inside to grab a lamp and my wife looks at me suspiciously.  I quickly explain and she nods and quickly hands me a small pile of torn cloths meant for the garbage.  I know she wants to do more…but there just isn’t anything.

As I lead the man and his wife I apologize for not having a bed for them, but explain that I have a stable.  It isn’t much, it’s of course not very comfortable & smells of animals – but I swear as I watch another contraction work its way through his wife – I see a glint of joy in his face at this dismal lodging.

I leave them and walk slowly through the night back to the inn.  It’s a clear night, and there seem to be millions of stars.  Hmmm, that’s new.  I’ve never seen that star before….wow it’s bright.  How peculiar, it appears to be right over my stable.

What do you think became of the innkeeper?

Where We’re At

December 20, 2011 in Faith, Life with 4 Comments

I need to be here I thought, as rejoice – rejoice, Emmanuel shall come to thee... breathed through my lips.  I need to be here, in this moment.  Feeling this music.

I need to breathe this in.

This was the first time in a long time that I sang songs to Him.  It felt foreign and comfortable at the same time.

And for a few brief moments my pain, heavy heart and confusion rested somewhere other than my chest.

To be there…caught between Heaven and Earth.  Lifting songs of Noel and joy and praise.

I wanted to hold onto this moment longer than the constraints of time would allow.  To leave this burden that weighs me, in that secret place it was tucked away.

As I sit here reflecting on the energy that fell upon us and swelled up in us, I’m reminded that He came to take our burdens.  He didn’t come just to save us from destruction and to save us to Himself.  He came to walk with us as we traverse though this difficult journey called life and all the pain and brokenness that burrows deep within us.

As we continue to travel through this Advent and as Christmas morning dawns in a few days and as I continue to learn to re-trust, I’ll once again commit my heart to Him and continue to ask Him to heal it.

And believe that He has come to me.

Being

December 15, 2011 in Family, Grace, Life with 3 Comments

I partially feel that I’m experiencing Christmas in a new way this year.

In the light of grace.

Though I have worked my self into a tizzy over wrapping gifts in a fancy, creative way & getting the gift for my sister-in-law that I know she’ll love & the book for my nephew that I imagine him belly laughing at as his mom reads it to him.

I’ve had little time in the last week (plus) to just sit.  To just be.  I’m reminded of this post by my dear friend Mandie.

If I allow all the hustle and the dry fingers from wrapping paper and the cookie dough that I forgot to put baking soda in — if I allow all of this to take my focus, I’m going to miss out.

Not only on the blessed celebration we’re experiencing, but on quiet moments on the couch with a cup of tea.  Of smiles from Shawn and his I’m so proud of yous and thank yous.

So, I’m encouraging you to take a half hour (preferably longer) and just be.  Grab a cup of tea or coffee or cocoa piled high with marshmallows or whipped cream.  Watch your child as the play in the wonderment that is Christmas.  Grab your spouse & kiss some place other than under the mistletoe.

Just be.

Here’s a couple songs from a band (Future of Forestry) we hope to wake up in time to go see Sunday morning.  This first song I first heard last year and it’s one of those that reaches to my depths.  The second, is O’ Holy Night.  Last year this song hit me in a way it never has.  They lyrics tell not only of Christ’s birth, but the freedom from slavery we are in before we come to Him.

The Earth Stood Still

O’ Holy Night

 

What are you doing this Christmas season just to be?

When He Reaches 8606.2 Miles

December 13, 2011 in Compassion Int'l, India, Life, Nikita with 10 Comments

It was a week and a half ago and I was still fighting blinding anger.  I wasn’t at the indifferent stage yet in this cycle I’d been running, and consideration was the furthest thing from my mind.

I’d made accusations against God based on feelings that have been ravaging me.  Accusations of abandonment, of the lack of caring.

We were scheduled to volunteer at an event for Compassion and honestly I didn’t want to go.  I wanted to be home, warm, cozied on my couch with my book.  I didn’t want to have to put on a “happy, Jesus is awesome & compassionate” face.  [just being honest here]

I was finishing up my day at work when I got a text from Shawn.  We had a message from our sponsored child.

If you don’t sponsor, or even if you do – these letters have the ability to make a bad day good, and even bring joy when all you feel is anger.

When I got home we opened the letter.  Inside was an anniversary card from our sponsor daughter Nikita for our tenth anniversary.  My eyes brimmed with salty tears and quickly overflowed.

The card was accompanied by a letter.  With my eyelashes still damp from tears I read that she loves math, and I think how smart this beautiful young lady is.  She sends kisses and hugs and I think how loved we are.

And she closes her letter with a verse.  This is the first time in two and a half years.  I read the illuminated text written by a 11 year old girl half a world away, and an overflow of sloppy tears inundate my cheeks again.

I wonder at how a young girl who wrote this letter about two months prior (a month or so before this all started happening in our lives) would choose this verse for a letter that would arrive at this season in our lives.

My mind floats to God, and I believe that it was at this point that my shell first started to crack.

It still amazes me that God reached from the other side of the globe, that months prior to this season even starting He moved upon the heart of a little Indian girl to minister to us.

Stepping Into Immanuel

December 6, 2011 in Life with 4 Comments

I’ve been hard pressed to have the desire to do anything Christmasy this year.

In my feelings of abandonment by God, it is difficult to celebrate this time of Immanuel.

While everyone else cheerfully decorated their tree and home, my newly purchased tree sat in its box on the dining room table, and the stockings & nativity on the work bench in the garage where they’ve been for the last 11 months.

I didn’t – and I think in some regards still don’t – feel it.

I’ve noticed my anger is cyclical.  A constant cycle of anger, indifference, & finally consideration – and then start the whole cycle all over again before consideration takes root and grace is exchanged between He and I.  While anger and indifference are interwoven through the whole time.

Last night I was talking with Shawn.  He was asking how I was feeling/doing in regards to the catalyst that has propelled me the this cycle.  My response was that I don’t tend to think about it, because when I do I get blindingly angry.

And I believe his response was what I needed to hear, he said you have to think about it, you have to get over it.  And I’m transported back to my question of if I want to heal.

This morning………this morning, I find myself back at consideration.  However, in a different aspect that what has been over the last month and a half.  Yes, I still feel angry.  As I’ve mentioned it takes time.

Last night while Shawn was at a meeting I set up our tiny tree and wrapped extra lights around, as it seemed only half the tree came with lights.  I draped around it red velour and as always strategically placed the cast members who remind us of that night, when Immanuel took place.

I feel this time, in this position of consideration – it will be different.  I breathe in deep and hold on as I take a step towards Immanuel.

This Fight of Faith

November 24, 2011 in Life with 2 Comments

Life feels kinda like this right now.   A hazy, swirly, complicated. 

In part, it feels like the farther I get from ground zero of what catapulted me to state the harder it feels to go back to faith and trusting.

And of course all I hear about is faith.

My heart automatically puts up its thick walls of defense.

It’s hard to trust when you feel like God hasn’t held up His end of a bargain — which of course is a ridiculous concept.

But that’s how it feels.

A friend, who speaks in wisdom to us, says that God is exercising our faith in such a way that it’s in our face. And I feel like this is the case – that He’s standing with His arms woven together across His chest asking me now what, what are you going to do now?

In reality — this same question I’m posing to Him, with my arms knotted.

I wonder if I want to heal. If I want to trust again. Or if this anger it’s just easier, so I build my defense and push away every time I feel wooed.

This is – honestly – harder than I was expecting. I knew it would be hard……but this, this feels excruciating.

I want to take the short road to wholeness, while at the same time exercinging my interpreted right to the way I feel.

Really, I don’t know how to get back to good.

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