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This morning on my way to work I decided to kick it old school.  Soon Passion’s album Better is One Day was filling the four walls of my car at a loud volume.  I sang along to a few songs and skipped ahead to the title track – Better is One Day – my favorite song on the CD.  My thoughts drifted towards Heaven and worshipping Jesus there.

I love how the writer in Psalm 84:10 expresses it:

“Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.”

As I was sitting in the drive thru at Starbucks my heart skipped a beat at the thought of being in Jesus’ presence.  I was filled with excitement at the joy that will be that day.

I realized earlier today that my husband and I had started dating 13 years ago today.  We ate Arby’s at a local mall and then drove out to past the edge of the city and looked at the stars.  I’d worn jeans, a red turtle neck, and a tan collar-less men’s button down shirt that wasn’t buttoned (it was still the 90′s give me some grace).

I would have never thought those 13 years ago that I’d be married to that man and our love for each other would would have blossomed into what it is today.  It is only because of God’s grace that we are where we are today.

I was at a doctor’s appointment today and was dealing with some internal discontentedness while I waited to be seen.  The good thing was I recognized I was being discontent and immediately started praying that God would give me peace and take away the discontentment.  As I sat there I realized that this is something I have to continually surrender to Him on.  It isn’t something that I can turn to Him and say, “I’m handing this over to you.  You got it?  Good.” and move on.  There are things that have happened in my life that are that way, but this isn’t.

I know that when it is His will He will move.  My job is to trust, and wait patiently and expectantly.  I have come a long way from where I once stood with this thing, but constant surrender is going to be on the agenda until He accomplishes it.

I have felt so helpless lately.  It started a while ago seeing images of precious people living on nothing just trying to get by.

It came roaring at me two weeks ago with the earthquake in Haiti.  The images of poverty stricken, broken people floated before my eyes.  I didn’t close the websites or stop reading the Tweets because I wanted to look.

I wanted to be broken over these people.

Last Sunday at church God literally wrecked me.  Our pastor decided to forgo communion after the teaching and allow people to pray for Haiti while worship was led.  We watched this video done by Pastors Mark Driscoll & James McDonald who went to Haiti to help churches just days after the earthquake.  Within seconds of the video starting I was crying.  I hadn’t cried for Haiti yet.  All I could do the rest of the service was cry and plead to God to save:  spiritually and physically.

It isn’t just Haiti though.  It’s all children and families that are in devastating poverty.  That is what breaks my heart.  I want to argue with God and ask Him why are you allowing this to happen to your creation.  Why are you allowing the flesh and blood you wove together to be eaten away by diseases and malnutrition?

Today Shawn showed me pictures that Tony Morgan Tweeted from his trip to Burkina Faso through Compassion.  All I wanted to do besides cry for these children, was bring them into my home and take care of them.  Love them.

I know it isn’t an accident that God has placed these feelings in my heart.  I’ve pleaded with Him over and over to break my heart for the things that break His.  This is an answer to prayer.  Yet, I still feel so helpless.  We sponsor our precious, beautiful little Nikita in India and fully plan on sponsoring more in the future.  Yet, I still feel so helpless.  I pray.  We donate to Haiti, and yet…  I feel like there is so much more I could do and don’t know how or what.

I just want to be open to what He has for Shawn and I.  I guess my feeling helpless means I just lean on Him all that much more and He’ll be the work in me that moves my hands the way they need to be moved.

In the light of tragedies we always seem to understand just how blessed we are by God.  My heart has been exceptionally thankful lately.  Last night we had a tremendous storm here in Phoenix.  We got an inch of rain over night.  As I got ready for bed I listened to the downpour that was occurring and could only thank God that I have a house with four walls and roof that doesn’t leak.  I wasn’t out on the street trying to find a semi dry, warm place to sleep.  I was about to crawl into my dry comfy bed with four layers of blankets.  I haven’t lost everything that was really nothing to begin with.  We are blessed.

Take away the superficial stuff your thankful for.  When you get down to the nitty gritty what does your heart cry out to God in praises of thanksgiving?

Here are some of mine:

1.  My salvation and the undeserved grace and mercy God has given me.

2.  I have a home.  Thousands don’t have a place to sleep at night except a dirty corner in the street (if they’re lucky).

3.  I have a job.  Again many don’t.  I’ve been blessed with a job I really like.  My co-workers can drive me batty but that’s part of having a job.

4.  My husband.  After nearly nine years (in May) of marriage my husband loves my more than he did nine years ago.  With all my faults, my car accidents, my yelling at him it is apparent he’s fallen more in love with me and I with him.

Your turn…

Psalm 138:1 – 3 (NLT)

I give you thanks, O Lord , with all my heart;
I will sing your praises before the gods.
I bow before your holy Temple as I worship.
I praise your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness;
for your promises are backed
by all the honor of your name.
As soon as I pray, you answer me;
you encourage me by giving me strength.

Today we are all reeling from the devastating earthquake in Haiti.  Thanks to technology images float in front of our eyes of the hurt, dead, and demolished.

The country and her people obviously need prayer and financial support.  Their lives have been stripped of the little they had to absolute nothingness.  I started thinking how exactly do you pray in situations like this?  It’s a little late to ask God to intervene and not allow the earthquake to happen.  I know to pray for comfort for those who’ve lost loved ones.  That those who are alive still would be found quickly.  But how else should one pray?

As I was writing this the thought passed of which is easier?  To give financially or to pray?  I was reminded of the story where Jesus forgave the lame man of his sins and the Pharisees accused Him of blasphemy.  Jesus said which is easier?  For me to say your sins are forgiven or get up, pick up your mat and walk.  Jesus was saying it’d be much easier for me to just heal him, but I’m the Son of God.  I think for some it is easier to just send $50 to a relief organization and call it done.  Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you shouldn’t give.  As Christians we are called to care of the widows, orphans, and the poor.  What I’m saying is evaluate your heart.  Ask God to break your heart for these people.  Pray for them in whatever way God leads you.

I would also ask you to consider once the dust has settled so to speak to pray about sponsoring a child through Compassion International whether in Haiti or elsewhere.

Transparency:  Five years ago when the tsunami hit Indonesia I was in a completely different place in my faith than I am now.  Since then God has shattered my heart for those in poverty.  I regret the attitude I had back then, and am now grateful that God daily teaches me how to love like Him.

A few thoughts on my prayer to live more missionally this year.

Probably about two years ago Shawn and I started learning about Missiology and living missionally.  It was a new concept for the both of us.  In a nut shell, missional living means you live as a missionary to the community you live and work in.  No longer did being a missionary mean you moved to Africa (or another third world country).  Needless to say I’m still learning.

My biggest obstacle is really myself.  1.  obviously getting rid of my pride, but also 2. the personality that God made me with.  I am an extremely introverted person.  Going up and talking to people – even those I know – is extremely difficult.  So engaging strangers who need to be loved on in conversations about life is rather difficult.

I’ve started praying in this way about this:

Lord, you created me and designed me including my personality and the introvertedness.  You wrote these into my DNA knowing that today I would be challenged to reach out and love and engage people.  Please show me how to do this despite what I view as hurdles.

It’s pretty much the only thing I know to say.  All I know is God has sent me to love people He loves, He will enable me to do it.

If you struggle with being introverted and engaging people how do you overcome your fears?  I’d love any insights and of course prayers.

Missio Vitam – Latin for Sent Life

Over the past couple weeks or so I seem to have battled off and on the “sads”.  Not too much motivation for anything.  My mind just wanders off on it’s own to some blank region.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was in elementary school, but once my parents took me out of the environment that was causing it I got better.  Since then I’ve struggled off and on, but nothing that would require any sort of meds or therapy.

I don’t think I’m – by clinical standards – depressed.  Maybe I’m coming off a month long sugar high from all the sweets I ate in December.  ;-D  Maybe God’s just trying to tell me something and I need to listen.

If you can just pray for me it would be much appreciated.  I have close friends who have battled (one for years) depression.  I don’t take the condition lightly.  I know that God is in control.

I thought I would outline my 2010 weight loss plan.  Over the past two years I’ve lost just over 30 pounds and despite not always being consistent in staying on a plan I’ve only gained a few pounds back.  My success has primarily been with counting calories.  I am going to do that again.  Last year off and on, I counted Weight Watcher’s Points.  While there is some ease in going that route I much prefer counting calories.

Here are my rules to start off:

• No chocolate for two weeks.  Not even my sugar-free chocolates.  Not even on my free day.
• I’m allowing myself one free day a week.  This doesn’t mean I am going to go crazy, but allow myself to go slightly over my daily caloric allowance.  This will most likely be Saturday.
• Eat my veggies.  I’ve planned dinners for this week and they all have fruit or veggies as a side.
• Exercise as able.  Since I am still recovering from foot surgery I am unable to do much exercise.  I plan to ask my doctor what I can start doing.  I see him today so I should know more this afternoon.
• Water, water, and more water.
• I will be weight myself every Monday.

I’m sure these will change and will be adapted more as I lose weight and can exercise more.

My Caloric Intake Daily Allowance per this website (I took the liberty of rounding down a few):  1390

I am going to be using this app/website to track my caloric intake and whatever exercise I’m able to do.

I’ll post updates as they come.  I’d like to lose between 15 and 20 pounds over the next year.  I plan on rewarding myself as I reach milestones.  10 pounds – Tirimisu or Creme Brulee.  Yes, I know rewarding one’s self with food for weight loss is backwards, but hey.  If I reach the full 15-20 pounds – jeans from here.  If I can lose this weight I will basically be where I want to be at to maintain.

I appreciate any and all prayers as I begin and walk this endeavor.  I really, really like my sweets.  I’ll just have to have them in moderation.

Today’s/Starting Stats (01.04.2010):

I once heard someone say that you shouldn’t yell at your spouse unless the house is on fire.  Well, unfortunately the house wasn’t on fire, it wasn’t flooding, in fact there was no sense of danger at all.  I just blew it.

As I started to come down I started thinking.  I’ve known that I fight like my mom.  I erupt.  I try to have a civil discussion and then all my frustrations, all my defenses come spewing out.  I also learned something else about myself.  Of the “Five Languages of Love” I am definitely Affirmation.  When my husband and I are having a discussion/fight I take things he says out of context and run with them.  Next thing I know I feeling like a failure, where that is never (and would never be) his intention or thought.  Regardless if the way I fight is nature (the personality God designed me with) or nurture (learning from my mom) if I lash out in anger it is sin.  I need to learn how to deal with it.  It isn’t healthy for me or my relationships.