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An Innkeeper’s Tale

December 21, 2011 in Faith with 6 Comments

Moe…over at Beta Christian has a (mostly) weekly series called Usual Suspects.  He takes everyday – and some not everyday – Bible stories and tells them from a different perspective.  They’re often insightful and even thought provoking.  Today’s post is inspired by his Usual Suspect series.  As Moe says…this text should never be taken as Gospel…it isn’t inherent.

(image source)

 What a night.  What a week!  We haven’t had the inn this full in….I don’t think we’ve ever had our little inn this full.  Bethlehem Ephrathah, our little town, wasn’t meant to be inundated with so many people at one time.

Every bed is full…and someone is sleeping in our main living area on the floor.  My poor, tired wife just delivered the last blanket to him.  I gaze at her as she wearily makes her way into the room.  She’s exhausted and so am I.  Our children are staying at my brother Jacob’s.  I smile at the thought of them all snuggled in bed with their cousins.  Laughing when they should be sleeping.

Oh, who could be knocking at this hour?  I really should come up with some way to let people know we don’t have any rooms left.  Some sort of sign or something I can put on the outside of the door.

As I open the door I see it in his eyes….anxiousness….excitement….urgency.  My eyes shift to hers and I recognize the pain in her young face, I’ve seen it on my dear wife’s face five times.  My heart beats faster as her tiny hands grip the bridle of the donkey as a contraction rips through her little body.  My heart breaks.

I look back at him and explain we have no rooms available, that we ourselves even gave up our beds.  I watch as his face falls in despair.  He nods and takes his wife’s hand and begins to turn away as tears of fear begin to well in his eyes.  I grab his arm and ask him to wait.

I hurry back inside to grab a lamp and my wife looks at me suspiciously.  I quickly explain and she nods and quickly hands me a small pile of torn cloths meant for the garbage.  I know she wants to do more…but there just isn’t anything.

As I lead the man and his wife I apologize for not having a bed for them, but explain that I have a stable.  It isn’t much, it’s of course not very comfortable & smells of animals – but I swear as I watch another contraction work its way through his wife – I see a glint of joy in his face at this dismal lodging.

I leave them and walk slowly through the night back to the inn.  It’s a clear night, and there seem to be millions of stars.  Hmmm, that’s new.  I’ve never seen that star before….wow it’s bright.  How peculiar, it appears to be right over my stable.

What do you think became of the innkeeper?

Where We’re At

December 20, 2011 in Faith, Life with 4 Comments

I need to be here I thought, as rejoice – rejoice, Emmanuel shall come to thee... breathed through my lips.  I need to be here, in this moment.  Feeling this music.

I need to breathe this in.

This was the first time in a long time that I sang songs to Him.  It felt foreign and comfortable at the same time.

And for a few brief moments my pain, heavy heart and confusion rested somewhere other than my chest.

To be there…caught between Heaven and Earth.  Lifting songs of Noel and joy and praise.

I wanted to hold onto this moment longer than the constraints of time would allow.  To leave this burden that weighs me, in that secret place it was tucked away.

As I sit here reflecting on the energy that fell upon us and swelled up in us, I’m reminded that He came to take our burdens.  He didn’t come just to save us from destruction and to save us to Himself.  He came to walk with us as we traverse though this difficult journey called life and all the pain and brokenness that burrows deep within us.

As we continue to travel through this Advent and as Christmas morning dawns in a few days and as I continue to learn to re-trust, I’ll once again commit my heart to Him and continue to ask Him to heal it.

And believe that He has come to me.

The Lines Between Beauty & Anger

November 17, 2011 in Faith, India, Life with 7 Comments

I sat there as she delicately drew lines and swirls on my hand and arm with henna.  I was amazed at the intricacy that flowed from her brown hands.

Beauty…sitting across from me and on my left arm.

I couldn’t remember being this happy, this content in a while.  Being there among a couple hundred people – most of East Indian decent – it just felt right.

How quickly these feelings faded as insomnia ripped through my body that night, and quickly drudged up all the anger that had possibly, slowly begun to fade.

I laid on our couch.  The glow of the street light out behind, and the nightlights in the kitchen illuminating the anger seething from my heart.

Where had it gone?  That happiness I’d felt just a dozen hours earlier.

Where as I had begun the process of re-trusting, and of re-experiencing the grace between Creator and creation, I now screamed.

I fear that if you could see this anger, this distrust that swells my chest and juts out my chin – you would shake your head at me in contempt.

………….or, maybe you wouldn’t.

I wonder at how hard we fall sometimes.

Why we distrust One who is so magnificently in control.

Why we choose to believe words we know are lies.

In these handful of days that have past since that sleepless night I still wrestle with the accusations I placed.  And I fear them.

They hold power if I allow them to.

But I want to get that place I was at with the beautiful Indian woman creating filigree on my hand.  To the place of joy I experienced as we were swamped by the culture of a land our hearts cries for.

I need to remember and believe that He is not looking at me with contempt but with eyes full of tears and a broken heart.

When Your Camp Is Surrounded

October 27, 2011 in Faith with 9 Comments

Saturday morning I did not want to get up.  We’d spent nearly 12 hours the previous day at the Together For Adoption Conference, but it wasn’t exhaustion (mental or physical) that weighed down my body.

I’d been awake since probably 4am and as the imminent melodious sounds of One eskimO, that would soon sound the alarm to rise & shine, I felt every ounce of my body repel against the second day of the conference.

I rationalized ways we could leave the conference early, as it felt that all my nerve endings were hyperactive and stretched their fingers prickling my skin.

Friday had been amazing.  I walked away overwhelmed not only by the amount of information I received, but God’s heart for the orphan and God’s heart for me.

I reached over and turned my alarm off and laid there for a few more minutes.  I felt heavy.  And I realized the weight of opposition that did not want me to attend the conference.

I knew I needed to tuck some truth and encouragement in my heart and in my mind.

I’d been reading in 2 Kings for a couple of days and I realized I hadn’t come across the story of Elisha and his servant being surrounded by the enemy.  I silently prayed, “Lord, if only I could read that story today.  If only I could be reminded of your faithfulness in protecting me.”

And I drowsily began to read, and this is what God did:

“It’s not us, my lord the king,” one of the officers replied. “Elisha, the prophet in Israel, tells the king of Israel even the words you speak in the privacy of your bedroom!”

“Go and find out where he is,” the king commanded, “so I can send troops to seize him.” And the report came back: “Elisha is at Dothan.”  So one night the king of Aram sent a great army with many chariots and horses to surround the city.

When the servant of the man of God got up early the next morning and went outside, there were troops, horses, and chariots everywhere. “Oh, sir, what will we do now?” the young man cried to Elisha.

 “Don’t be afraid!” Elisha told him. “For there are more on our side than on theirs!”  Then Elisha prayed, “O Lord, open his eyes and let him see!” The Lord opened the young man’s eyes, and when he looked up, he saw that the hillside around Elisha was filled with horses and chariots of fire.

(2 kings 6:12-16)

God more than met me where I was at.  He knew what I needed.  I was bowled over that He had ordained this passage, for this day in my scripture readings.

I honestly can’t recall another time, when He showed up this explicitly.

The second day of the conference was wonderful.  We learned a lot.  And had we left early like I’d been conniving to do in bed, I would have missed out on an incredible encouragement from a very unexpected source, and I would not have met a beautiful woman from India.

On our way home that night Shawn and I were discussing how much God had ordained us being there.  We’d planned to attend the conference last year in Austin, but we weren’t able to.  And if we had, we probably wouldn’t have attended this year.

And today….five days later I’m still moved to tears at His faithfulness.  Even a year ago He had this past weekend in mind and all the at would happen.

Has there been a moment or a situation where you’ve seen God move this explicitly in your life?

The Slipping

September 6, 2011 in Faith, Life with 7 Comments

I feel the dew as hope seems to slip through tightly clenched fingers.  I stand on this cliff once again with wavering faith.  Struggling to believe that God’s welfare for me will occur.

And with tight eyes, I try to shut out the disbelief.  When impatience and the weary of waiting rests upon my shoulders I stand here.  I feel doubt slipping in where hope slips out.

I seem to lack the faith that God will accomplish that which He see’s fit for me.  I believe lies that He will never act.  That in this place of desertness I’ll remain.

My hope seems feeble and I peer over this sharp drop and see it failing.

I find my self envious of others green pastures and the goodness and welfare they have received there.  And as I toss in my bed, I pull back the strings of my bow and shoot arrows into my heart, reminding myself that love is not jealous.  Love is not jealous. Love is not jealous.

In these quiet moments where my mind tends to exhaust itself with thinking, I try to seek out the source of my hope.  The one who takes fear and disbelief.  Who replenishes my hope like oil in a widow’s jar.

And I breathe truth.  Truth which takes disbelief and tosses it over this cliff on which I stand.

(Photo Source)

God’s Sovereign Grace: To Her & To You

August 20, 2011 in Faith, Grace, OneWord with 9 Comments

It’s a difficult place to be when you realize that God’s grace is extended to everybody.

I remember ten years ago in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks on NYC, DC, & the plane that went down in Pennsylvania, struggling with the fact that Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden not only still had chances to accept Christ but that God’s saving grace was extended to them.  These men, who were master minds behind the murder of 1000′s of men and women were extended the same grace without deviation that I was and am.

Even – or perhaps especially as Christians we are much more likely accept seeing God’s saving grace given to those who are only moderately bad.  The person who drank to much or stole, but not to the murderer of 1000′s or baby killers.  After all, God wouldn’t save someone that killed their child – would He?

In the days that followed the verdict of Casey Anthony’s trial, I struggled once again.  I’ve been meditating on Grace this year.  Joining with over a hundred other bloggers & tweeters who are focusing on One Word during the year.  My word is Grace.  I’ve been forced to look at others through this lens.  Through the lens that God sees them.

Whether or not Casey did kill her child is now between her and God.  A jury found her not guilty – and whether you believe they simply passed their judgement in a flippant manner so they could go on their scheduled vacations or if they passed fair judgement for what they truly believed, God is still sovereign.

And in His sovereignty, He can and will extend grace to her.  In His eyes you and I are just as guilty as she is.

So, I say it again…it’s a difficult place to be when you realize that God’s grace is extended to everybody.  Not only to the perfect or the moderately bad, but to those who may or may not have committed murder.  To the rapist and the sexual abuser.  To those we write off and pass our own human judgement against because we in our fractured context of grace deem them unworthy of it.

The fact remains, Casey, just like you and just like me and just like Osama Bin Laden, was created in God’s image.  He loves her no differently than he loves you, and until she breathes her last she is worthy of God’s grace and salvation.

Incredible Faithfulness

August 15, 2011 in Faith with 11 Comments

Long journeys tend to lead to exhaustion. It’s a natural effect. We grow weary and start to take for granted the journey itself and the the vehicle that is carrying us. Whether that be a physical journey in a car or a spiritual one in which God takes us.

Shawn and I have a been on a long journey for the last several years. One in which God has taken what we were and not only redefined but recreated. Needless to say it’s been long and honestly very exhausting at times.

When God takes your heart and completely changes it into something different – something more like Him, weariness sets in. You begin to wonder when the stretching, tearing, purging will end. You forget that it is his faithfulness that is leading you.

You forget that His faithfulness is carrying and holding you through those incredibly hard times.

I was wrecked by the reminder of this faithfulness yesterday. A reminder that was like a wrecking ball to my weariness, my forgetfulness, and my lack of belief that He is speaking into us.

It was this day of all days that God intentionally took my tear streaked face in His hands and reassured me with great assurance that throughout these last several years He’s never allowed me us to walk alone. He’s never once left us to fend for ourselves.

In our darkest moments, and in our most tear stained He was faithfully was there.

The Possibility of No

July 28, 2011 in Faith, Life with 14 Comments

Several years ago I fell head over heels for a guy.  When said guy informed me he didn’t share my same sentiments I did what any “good” Christian 20 year old young woman does when her heart’s been broken into a million pieces.  I threw a tantrum.  I became angry.  I blamed God.  I told God I wanted nothing to do with Him.

It took a about a month for me to get my act together and repent.  I remember it was a Good Friday service and my heart felt so heavy and so bitter.  I knew I was wrong.  Through tears and probably mangled words I confessed to our college group leader’s wife.  It took a while for me to get back to the place I was before I’d cursed at God.

I share this because I was reminded of it yesterday when I nearly stomped my feet and shouted, “NO! NO! NO!  This isn’t how it’s supposed to be!!”  Yes, even at 36 I can throw some pretty righteous tantrums.

But I want to stop for a moment and explain something.  As my heart raced and I ground my feet into the floor to prevent stomping from occurring, I had to stop and breathe.  The very thing I was freaking out about God saying no to, is something that I actually, firmly believe He may be saying yes to.  This is not a contrived feeling in my heart based on my selfish desires, but something that has been gone over (and continues to) with much prayer.

And when I slowed my breathing, and took my fears out of the voices and anger racing through my head, I heard this:  “Yes may be the answer, but what are you going to do if I say no?  I need you to be okay with it if I say no.”

This doesn’t magically make my heart okay.  It helps, but it doesn’t mean that I am all better.  That is a process in trusting and having faith no matter what the answer ends up being.

I believe that there are times God leads us through tests simply to see how we’ll react and to do as He did yesterday and remind me that no still is on the table and if He says no I need to be okay with it.

I don’t want a repeat of 15 years ago.  I never want to be in that state of heart again.  I need to consistently remind myself that just as there is a possibility of yes, there is just as much possibility of no.  I need to remind myself to trust that whatever ends up being the end result His best for me has always and will always be His motivator.

What is your natural response when God says no?
Have there been times God tested you with a “no”, and yes ended up happening?

The Art of Sacrifice

July 7, 2011 in Faith, Life with 4 Comments

Reading through the Bible I’m learning a lot.  This would seem fairly obvious but I’m also realizing that I have to be intentional about having an open heart and not simply reading it to be able to say I read the entire Bible.  It’s easy just to read it as I would any other book and not allow it to penetrate my soul.

I recently finished reading the Books of the Law:  Genesis – Deuteronomy.  With the exception of the first 11 chapters of 1 Chronicles Leviticus, Numbers, & Deuteronomy were the most challenging.  God repeating to Moses and the people His laws.  His sacrificial requirements.

I was thinking about the sacrifices last night.  Here’s the notes I jotted down:

◙  The Israelites were required to offer sacrifices every day.  One in the morning and one in the evening.  In addition, there were sin offerings, peace offerings, offerings if you were a woman after every cycle, offerings after you gave birth, and the list goes on.  Sacrifices were just that a sacrifice.  God required the best.  He wouldn’t settle for second best.

◙  The aroma of the sacrifices would have permeated the Israelite camp.  If you’ve ever driven by or walked by a steak house or walked out of your house while someone is grilling burgers you know that the air around is heavy laden with with the scent of cooking meat.  With at least two sacrifices daily, the aroma would have clung to their cloths, their tents, everything.  They would have constantly been reminded of the offerings they made to God.

◙  The sacrifices were not consumed.  The offerings were the sustenance for the priests and Levites.

◙  To not offer sacrifices was not only robbing God, but also the men were leading them spiritually.

Here is what this means for me (and you):

God wants our best.  We are unable to live perfect, sinless lives but we are required to live holy lives.  Living our lives for Him and not our own selfish desires.

As I daily offer my sacrifice to God the aroma of that will permeate every aspect of my life.  I’ll make wiser choices.  I’ll choose truth over lies, and holiness over sin.

I think the fact that the sacrifices were not consumed is what hit me the most.  God did not simply rain down fire to consume the flour or ram or wine.  They were offered God accepted and blessed the people.  God will not consume me when I give my daily sacrifice.  He will accept and bless and enable me to offer myself to Him the next day and the day after that.

When I choose not to live my life for God I’m robbing Him and I’m robbing myself.  I’m robbing Him of glory and worthy praise, and I’m robbing myself of His blessings.

Jealousy’s Story

July 6, 2011 in Faith, Life with 24 Comments

Yesterday jealousy crept into my heart like a ghost.  Haunting areas of my life and rattling bones of skeletons I thought were safely tucked away.

In situations I thought were under control and my patience firmly rooted, I witnessed them plucked from loose soil and whipped around by chain dragging ghosts.  And observed flesh pulled back on my own self revealing festers that never quite healed fully, as envy oozed over what others have and God’s providential timing hasn’t placed into my life .

In all of this I’m learning that my story isn’t your story and your story isn’t mine.  And that with jealousy I’m saying I want your story; I don’t want my own unique one.

Jealousy longs to take your chapters and fit them into my book, but I’ll quickly see that no amount of trimming and gluing and refitting, your pages don’t and won’t align with the pages that God is writing out in my life.

Jealousy and envy tend to thrive in seasons of wait.  While we’re waiting for doors to open and questions to be answered we easily see everyone else’s doors open and questions answered.  We believe that their doors and questions had immediate responses (which often is not the case) while ours seem to take forever.

Patience is difficult but always worth the wait.  I want my story to be mine.  Uniquely written for me.  I don’t want jealousy to ghost write for me.

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