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Making Brave Journeys

February 15, 2012 in Community, FEAR, Hope with 3 Comments

In the last month or so I’ve been surrounded by women who encourage bravery.  Who march to a different beat.  Who aren’t afraid to do it afraid.

When you have people like this in your life, their way of thinking and doing life rubs off on you.  You begin to take steps of courage.  You learn to fight for your life in a way you never knew you could.

Tomorrow I’m doing something brave.  Taking a journey by myself to a land I haven’t been to since August of 1998.  A lot has changed since then.  I got married.  Started this blog.  Had God start completely renovating my heart and my perspectives.

I’ll meet people I’ve only talked to via social media, email, & Face Time.  Meeting women, who I swear can see into my soul and write out what they see.

When we booked my airfare, Shawn asked if I was going to be okay flying by myself.  I quickly responded of course.  As those moments faded I realized, I am actually scared.  It is taking a good amount of courage to do this by myself.  The flight.  The trip itself.  Yet, in spite of the fear that is there I know this trip has something for me.  I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that I’m going.

One of my friends there reiterated my thoughts this past Saturday, in that she believes there will be some healing for my heart and soul involved in this journey.

My friend Rain calls us warrioresses.  Brave women who fight through the fear.  To become what is hidden in us.

So, I’m taking up my sword (not literally of course – airport security and all ;) ), and attempting to leave myself pliable.  I want to be a different person at the end of this trip.  I want to be stronger, braver, and more hopeful.

Get ready Oklahoma, I’m coming with blades blazing.

A Secret Handshake

March 24, 2011 in FEAR, Life with 28 Comments

My phone buzzes and I glance down to see her name and a lengthy text that fills the middle of the screen.  A thank you and a hope to see you soon and a how can I pray for you?

My mind races over the multitude of things as I re-lock my phone without responding.  There’s this and there’s that, I think as I slowly strap on my mask.  I could give her pat answers and I kind of just want to.  It’s easier to hide here in this little room I’ve created where admittance is allowed only by invitation and a secret handshake.

I add bricks and distance because I don’t want to have to explain my thoughts and actions.  I don’t want to divulge the roads I’m walking that lead me to this need for prayer or that one – no matter how difficult and at times painful and confusing these roads are.  Roads that aren’t walked because of sin but just the way life seems to play itself out.

So I wait, hold in my fragile hands prayers of all shapes and colors.  Unsure how to respond to this person I call friend.  It isn’t that I don’t trust her, but more fear because I’m not even sure myself how to pray.

Do you struggle with this?
Do you divulge or continue to hold these secrets in your hands?
How do you find your way out of hiding?

Deconstructing Dream Year

January 24, 2011 in Faith, FEAR, Life with 26 Comments

I’m sitting in a hotel room in Nashville.  Overlooking a frostbit Vanderbilt University.  My mind feels as if it imploded.

Attending Dream Year Weekend was amazing, and I’m not even sure how to begin digesting what I heard.  I can’t even form sentences in my mind.

On Friday I asked what you dream about.  What your passions are.  I was blown away by what you had to say.  The passions that you all have, these dreams are awesome!  I was moved to tears reading.

One thing that was repeated the whole weekend is that our Dream (our passion) is born out of a frustration.  Your comments show me just how true that is.  What your heart wants to do is all because of a frustration; whether it’s your frustrated your walk with Christ isn’t what you want it to be, or because of the experiences in your own past that lead you to wanting to counsel people.  Dreams that God has planted, that He has given you a hunger to see accomplished.

As for my dream – I’m still wrestling it out.  I have a very general idea, but I’m unsure how it would play out in the real world.  For the time being I feel the need to keep it close to the vest.  To seek God concerning it.  When the time is right I will share here.

For now….please pray for me.  Attending Dream Year Weekend brought up a lot of questions I need to answer, and that need answers.  Pray that I would have clarity in what God wants me to do.  Pray that I would not walk in fear.  In the last 24 hours the enemy has already begun his lies, and fear is creeping up.

And I’ll be praying for you.  That God would refine your dreams and show you steps to begin walking them out.

One Word 2011: Grace

January 3, 2011 in Faith, FEAR, Grace, Life, On Mission with 37 Comments

In 2010 I didn’t choose a One Word.  Instead my life and emotions took hold and my emotions decided my Word should be fear.  Fear seemed to take up residence in so many areas of my life.  I felt at times as if i was being defined by fear.  It took hold of me in areas it never had.  So I decided I needed to be defined by a different word.  A word completely opposite of fear:  Trust.

For 2011 I decided that I wanted to choose a word ahead of time rather than let one decide to define me.  The more I prayed about it the more I felt I was called to learn to live in a state of grace.  I am extremely impatient with people.  I often refuse to give them the benefit of the doubt.  I so often fail to have grace on them, but choose to bestow my silent judgment.

I want to be defined by grace.

Here are some of the things I’m planning to do over the next 12 months that will hopefully help me become this definition:

Memorize Scripture.  I used to be “really” good at memorizing scriptures when I had to for school.  Now that I’m an adult.  Well….  So one of the things I want to do is to memorize verses that speak of having grace & grace being upon us.  I am planning one verse/passage a month.  So that is 12 passages by 12.31.11.  Here are the verses in no particular order:

At the beginning of each month I’ll share which passage I’m memorizing.

Read books.  [links are Amazon Affiliate] There are a lot of really smart people out there.  People that God reveals Himself to and gives them an understanding of spiritual things.  These really smart people write books.  I am planning to read the following books over the next year:

If there are any others you would recommend please let me know.

Tomorrow I’ll share my verse(s) for January.

You can also see the other One Word posts that Alece has linked up on her site.

A winner:

The winner of the Story canvas is: Bethany.

Congratulations.  Please email me your address to prudy[at]prudychick[dot]com and I’ll get it out to you.

A Dangerous Road

October 27, 2010 in Community, Family, FEAR, Life with 18 Comments

I get intimidated by people.

Will they like me?

What if they don’t correspond with me?

What if I’m just another number in their count of followers?

What if they’re only humoring me?

The other day I was realizing just how these feelings affect me.  I’ll not interact, or follow people on Twitter because of this.

Because you see….I have been/am that to some people.  Or is that just my perspective?

Example:

I’d seen Tracee re-tweet many different times Stephanie, but I never followed Stephanie.  Until a few days ago.  I decided to just click “Follow” already.  Why had I never clicked follow before?  Intimidation.  Fear [oh there is THAT word again].  Uncomfortableness.  A whole string of what if’s:  i don’t measure up, she doesn’t like me, doesn’t correspond with me, etc. etc. etc. etc.

But I did it.  I followed her.

And guess what….I think she likes me.  She corresponds with me.  Makes comments about my random little tweets.

………………………and she’s incredibly sweet.

It’s easy for me to hide behind my computer.  To not allow myself to connect.  To not allow myself to be in a vulnerable spot, while at the same time being vulnerable in other ways when I write.  The fear of rejection and measuring my worth by people’s interaction with me:  it’s a dangerous road.

One thing I’ve really seen and in part learned over the last week as I’ve re-read these ladies stories, is that community accepts you for who you are, but also walks along side of you every step of the way.  If I let myself be a wallflower the way I so often am in real life away from the computer, I’ll experience the same feelings of rejection and fear.

I can’t we can’t allow our feelings, our perceived perceptions of what others may possibly think of us rule our lives.  If we do we not only can, but will miss out on amazing opportunities.  The problem………I’m guilty of this.  It seems to be an innate part of my DNA.  I will continue to struggle with this.  I will never be the extrovert that clicks follow every time or says hello to someone first.

: | : I’d finished this post this past Friday.  I thought it was done.  Sunday morning Shawn and I were headed to breakfast with my family and then to a farm/kids amusement ride thingy.  I was checking Twitter as the white lines of the freeway passed our tires.  I read THIS tweet by Mandy Steward and it perfectly described what I was trying to say.  Therefore… : | :

I’m messy by nature.  (Shawn is the neat/clean/perfectionist one)  Sometimes my mess is organized.  Sometimes my mess is just clutter.  I don’t necessarily enjoy the clutter but live with it.  Mess though can be defined in a different ways…in relation to Mandy’s tweet and my topic here…it’s the mess of comfortableness, of rejection.  By not stepping into what I view as a “mess” I set myself up for missing out.  Whether it’s blessings, new friends, a word of wisdom, a laugh, etc. and all these reciprocated.

Shall we live just a little bit messy?

Do you struggle with this?

So in an effort to not be an online wallflower, give me one or two people’s Twitter names that you don’t think I follow.
Here’s mine contribution:

Manda:  Thereisatime

Manda is a storyteller with every blog post she writes.  Her posts are deep, passionate, and challenging.

(photo by Shawn)

Glorious Faithfulness

September 28, 2010 in Faith, FEAR, Love Letters with 7 Comments

I don’t usually spend my Monday nights in hospital surgery waiting rooms. Yet, here I sit a Starbucks latte at hand & my husband under anesthesia having an appendectomy.

Over the past week he’s had abdominal pain. Not severe but enough for him to take note. After seeing our PCP  on Saturday who didn’t think it was his appendix because of the lack of severe pain, but smart enough to send him for a CT Scan – he was told to go to the ER immediately.

As I look back, considering disappointments and the fact that it’s been 6 days since he started having pain I can’t help but see God’s hand and glorious faithfulness.

As I sit here typing all this out on a tiny keyboard, his wedding band on my necklace I feel peace.  With my epic battle between fear and trust this year I was situated to give into fear.  There is nothing I could do though. His prognosis, his pain – all in God’s hands.


Choosing trust over fear is not easy. It is only with His help that I can even begin to walk this road.

So I wait here. Trusting the surgeon, the anesthesiologist, the surgery all through God. He is in control.

Rejoice with me over God’s glorious faithfulness.

**
Late night edit (11:22 PM AZ): I’ve just gotten home about 15 minutes ago.  Excited Chihuahuas greeted me.  The surgery went well.  Only “complication” was the appendix had wrapped itself around itself.  The surgeon had a difficult time getting it to unwrap and get it out, but all was done laparoscopically.  With this I’m going to bed.  It’s been a long day.  Thank you all again for your prayers.

 

Thanks also to the wonderful surgeon (Dr. Prebil), anesthesiologist, and nurses at Banner Thunderbird.

Trust

September 27, 2010 in Faith, Family, FEAR, Life with 6 Comments

Dew Drenched Fleece

September 24, 2010 in Faith, Family, FEAR, Life with 13 Comments

My day yesterday was filled with Excel sheets, emails, phone calls, and chowing down on baked goods (it’s not even the holidays yet and we’ve had a stash of baked goods at work, I’m in trouble).

It’s also been full of contemplation.  Sadness.

Something that Shawn and I were looking forward to and praying about if we should go, fell through.  Door completely and utterly shut, locked and barricaded.  We were set, but we’d waited too long in some arrangement making.

A trip that would have impacted us in many different ways, including the chance (that had me doing spins of excitement in my office chair till I got really dizzy) to meet a Twitter/Blog friend for the first time.

When Shawn shared the news of what was going on, or not going on for that matter my reply was, “Well maybe this was about us just obeying rather than going.”  His – and probably the more correct scenario – “Or maybe we waited too long to obey.”

Maybe we waited too long to obey.

I’d sent an email to my boss today saying I didn’t need to take the time I’d requested off cause our plans got canceled.  He replied that he was sorry to hear that.  The thoughts that echoed in my mind were me too.

So on top of manipulating rows and rows of our customer’s inventory I’ve been wondering about this.  Were we supposed to go.  Were we supposed to board a giant metal tube with giant metal wings that would carry us to a place that would make big impacts?  Did my pulling a Gideon on God and having Him answer my request (TWICE) and then not having the faith to actually believe it is what He wanted completely mess this up?

I’m trying to to wallow in the did I mess up part, but trying to rectify in my heart and mind what this all means.  If I did mess up, that means confession and growth to move forward next time.

The truth is, I’ll never know what the correct scenario was.  If it was simply about the obeying or if we waited to long to obey.

Moving Away

September 10, 2010 in Faith, Family, FEAR, Life, On Mission with 8 Comments

I find it most intriguing that fear has been at the forefront of my mind the entire 8 months 10 days of 2010.  I didn’t choose a word to live by or model my life after like Alece’s Risk or Mandy’s Childlike.  It seems that a word chose me:  FEAR!

So if fear chose me, I need to choose faith.  I need to choose TRUST.

God is doing awesome things, leading in amazing ways in both my life, Shawn’s life, and our marriage.  Frankly…it’s scary.  Because I don’t know what lays beyond what’s right in front of me.

I don’t want to live a life that has me dragging around fear like a chest full of concrete.  God doesn’t want me existing in fear, I think that’s why it keeps coming up.  With each whisper of fear…He whisper’s, “Trust.  You can do this.  Just trust.”

So…the question I want to ask is how do we move away from fear?

I wish it was a simple 5 point answer, but I don’t think it is.  Yes, the obvious answer is just trust God, but anyone who has experienced fear knows that is easier said than done.

Today I’d like to discuss how we move past fear.  Scriptures, quotes, etc. that have ministered to you to be defined by courage rather than fear.  I’d also like to take this time to pray for each other and the fears we are each experiencing.  We are instructed to walk with each other, to carry each others burdens.

You guys are a great community to be a part of.

Fear Part 1, 2, 3, 4

Defined by Courage

September 9, 2010 in FEAR, Guest Blogging, Life, On Mission with 5 Comments

I’m excited to have the first ever guest blogger here.  I’ve learned a lot from Sarah over the last eight months.  I was turned on to her blog by Lindsey Nobles.  Over the last few months Sarah has been tackling her fears head on.  You can check out her VLogs on fear here and here.

Defined by Courage

The older I get the easier it is to dismiss real fear as personality quirks.

“I don’t DO waterslides.” She says as she covers up under a towel and sits her rear end on a bench.

“I’m just not a party planner.” She whines when someone volunteers her for a job that she does not want to do.

“Oh, no…I’m not good in large groups of women. I prefer one on one conversations.” She explains when she’s invited out.

But in reality, it’s all just fear. Fear of silly things like heights and speed. Fear of the pressure to perform under time constraints. Fear of the exposure of not being the “life of the party” and having no one laugh at my jokes.

Fear. I guess in the past I’ve allowed it to define me.

I’d rather have courage define me.

I’d rather be the one that someone invites BECAUSE she’ll jump of the pier and get her clothes and hair wet. I’d rather be the one that races her eight-year-old to the top of the waterslide to see who will be the first one down. I’d rather look at responsibilities and performance issues in the face and say, YES, I will do it and I’m not afraid.

It’s much more fun to have courage define me rather than fear.

Fear keeps me quiet. It keeps me stationary. It keeps me glued to the earth when I should be moving forward.

Fear even keeps my personality slowing trudging toward the retirement home someday where, God forbid, I fall asleep in my wheelchair scared to leave my assisted living room.

Oh yes, I will get old someday. And I may be tempted more and more to dismiss my fears and misgivings as just “who I am”. And yes, I might fall asleep during dinner when I’m 98.

Instead I want to be that courageous old lady who gathers you up and says, “Let me tell you a story, because I’ve got hundreds of them.”

I hope that who I am learning to become is a woman defined by courage and not defined by fear.

Sarah’s Twitter / Blog

Fear: Part 1, 2, 3, 5

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