When I accepted this challenge of focusing on grace at the beginning of the year, I would never have dreamed that eleven months later my life would fall apart in such a way that 12 months after accepting this cup, I would need to step into grace in such a way that I’m not sure I ever have.

This grace….even after 12 months….feels foreign.

After angry [one sided] conversations with God that He had abandoned us, that He doesn’t care about us – and the humility it takes to return, stepping into grace – a grace that is readily available before I even begin to think about coming back – has taken time.

As my friend Elora shares, “those quick-to-reach defense mechanisms {focus thieves} seem mighty tempting when your heart’s a little gun-shy about crashing into Grace.”

Like slowly wading into a cold swimming pool, I’ve begun wading into God’s rich graces.  It hasn’t been a tidal wave of emotion.  I think because I’m possibly still healing and grace and the wooing has been more of a salve.  As if He’s willing not to be hasty in 100% healing.

You never imagine life will turn out the way it does.  Whether the end results are happy or not.  It’s always much different than we picture.

As I look back over these past two months, I wonder if God orchestrated this year of grace for this season alone.  If it goes beyond merely becoming more like Him, to Him needing me to breathe it in.  That He knew I would need to know His grace doesn’t fluctuate the way mine does.  That it is more constant than the rising and setting of the sun, despite the accusations I prosecute Him with.  So, He made it my focus.  He zeroed my heart in on everything having to do with His grace for me.

I wrote back in June, that I was realizing that this learning of grace wouldn’t be finished when the clock strikes 2012.  Now, I realize just how much I’ll be learning about grace as 2011 dawns into 2012.

Next week I’ll be sharing my One Word for 2012.  I’ve known what it was for a while, and given my current circumstances – I see that He not only reaches across thousands and thousands of miles, but across the constraints of time to prepare us.

If I close my eyes I can see it.  The joy, the held breaths, the anticipation.  I picture angels watching silently, feeling every contraction  Mary felt, as the birth of the Savior drew to its climax.

I’m struck this Christmas season by “God with us”.  Struck that God would step down out of the majesty of Heaven to not only die for our sins, but to dwell with us.  To dwell in us.  Most probably because so much lately I’ve felt that He’s abandoned us and He’s directing every thought of mine to the fact that He hasn’t, that He is with us even in this.

So I see it in my mind’s imagination.  That night when love was birthed out of a young Jewish girl.  The pain and agony and the joy that angels declared in skies to mere shepherds.

God left His rightful place, His sanctuary to make us His sanctuary.

This servant-hood, this humility weighs heavy on me.

Out of grace for a lost world, He left it all behind.  He set aside His Godhood so that we might one day be redeemed.

And I see that too…grace.

Grace lying in a food trough.  Surrounded by the creation He formed out of dust and rib and spoken word.  With the scent of animal waste filling the air.

God, yes GOD, left His majesty for the sake of grace.

Last night I finished reading the Bible.

From the Levitical Law to the the drippings of grace that left an empty tomb.

From in the beginning God spoke creation to the the indwelling of the new heaven and the new earth.

Over the last nine months, I noticed a thread, or perhaps a beautifully woven ribbon throughout the stories of creation, the repeated rise & fall of Israel, the Messiah, the church, and the last days.

That ribbon is grace.

Throughout the whole Word, God wove grace.  In times where you would expect ungrace you experience grace flavoring the circumstances as salt flavors food.

Father forgiving the son who attempted his murder.  Brother forgiving jealous, conniving brothers.  Savior forgiving executioners.

Oddly enough, I even find grace in the Law.  I see that it was God’s grace to give us the law in order that we would know that we could never stand in His holiness without the grace of the cross.

In grace, God repeatedly sent prophets to the Israelites.  Calling for their repentance.  And even when He allowed them to be taken into captivity, exiled, warred upon, He – in His grace – rescued them.

I loved that God took the time to show me how grace is not only woven into my life, but into the very existence of all since the creation.

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My plan for the remainder of the year is to read Psalms; and at the beginning of the year start reading through chronologically.  I trust that as He whispered my OneWord of grace throughout these last several months, He’ll do the same with my word for 2012.

I don’t always wear grace.

Often I wear judgement.  It’s a comfortable shawl on my shoulders.  I clothe myself in a sheath of self righteousness and righteous indignation.

A look.  A sneer.  I could give the most Pharisaical a run for their money.  I wear a badge of grace, but in my heart I pass deadly judgement.

I’ve learned through these eight months of grace meditation just how depraved I am.  How judgment rises some days with every breath.  How sin lurks in the crevices on my being.

And I wonder how God could love me.  Jesus’ greatest enemies were self righteous.  Men who’s legalistic lives, regulated their tithe down to the tenth of their spices.  Who couldn’t see the joy in a man healed but were more concerned with their fabricated letter of the law, rather than the intended spirit of the law.

While my judgements may not necessarily be in the legalistic Christian vein, seeing their attitudes endeavors me to shout from my tippy toes:  “this is me.  i’m a pharisee.  i don’t live the life of grace i claim to!”

But also shame and guilt beckon me to dark shadows, because dark shadows are comfortable when you realize your sin.

I, obviously, don’t want to live this way, where my righteous indignation makes self righteous judgements about how you should live, act, dress, etc.

This choice to live like Christ is one that is easier said than done.

So, this morning I ask God to clothe me in His grace.  That prayerfully it will seep into my fibers and become like breathing.