I’ve been hard pressed to have the desire to do anything Christmasy this year.

In my feelings of abandonment by God, it is difficult to celebrate this time of Immanuel.

While everyone else cheerfully decorated their tree and home, my newly purchased tree sat in its box on the dining room table, and the stockings & nativity on the work bench in the garage where they’ve been for the last 11 months.

I didn’t – and I think in some regards still don’t – feel it.

I’ve noticed my anger is cyclical.  A constant cycle of anger, indifference, & finally consideration – and then start the whole cycle all over again before consideration takes root and grace is exchanged between He and I.  While anger and indifference are interwoven through the whole time.

Last night I was talking with Shawn.  He was asking how I was feeling/doing in regards to the catalyst that has propelled me the this cycle.  My response was that I don’t tend to think about it, because when I do I get blindingly angry.

And I believe his response was what I needed to hear, he said you have to think about it, you have to get over it.  And I’m transported back to my question of if I want to heal.

This morning………this morning, I find myself back at consideration.  However, in a different aspect that what has been over the last month and a half.  Yes, I still feel angry.  As I’ve mentioned it takes time.

Last night while Shawn was at a meeting I set up our tiny tree and wrapped extra lights around, as it seemed only half the tree came with lights.  I draped around it red velour and as always strategically placed the cast members who remind us of that night, when Immanuel took place.

I feel this time, in this position of consideration – it will be different.  I breathe in deep and hold on as I take a step towards Immanuel.

Life feels kinda like this right now.   A hazy, swirly, complicated. 

In part, it feels like the farther I get from ground zero of what catapulted me to state the harder it feels to go back to faith and trusting.

And of course all I hear about is faith.

My heart automatically puts up its thick walls of defense.

It’s hard to trust when you feel like God hasn’t held up His end of a bargain — which of course is a ridiculous concept.

But that’s how it feels.

A friend, who speaks in wisdom to us, says that God is exercising our faith in such a way that it’s in our face. And I feel like this is the case – that He’s standing with His arms woven together across His chest asking me now what, what are you going to do now?

In reality — this same question I’m posing to Him, with my arms knotted.

I wonder if I want to heal. If I want to trust again. Or if this anger it’s just easier, so I build my defense and push away every time I feel wooed.

This is – honestly – harder than I was expecting. I knew it would be hard……but this, this feels excruciating.

I want to take the short road to wholeness, while at the same time exercinging my interpreted right to the way I feel.

Really, I don’t know how to get back to good.