I’ve been hard pressed to have the desire to do anything Christmasy this year.

In my feelings of abandonment by God, it is difficult to celebrate this time of Immanuel.

While everyone else cheerfully decorated their tree and home, my newly purchased tree sat in its box on the dining room table, and the stockings & nativity on the work bench in the garage where they’ve been for the last 11 months.

I didn’t – and I think in some regards still don’t – feel it.

I’ve noticed my anger is cyclical.  A constant cycle of anger, indifference, & finally consideration – and then start the whole cycle all over again before consideration takes root and grace is exchanged between He and I.  While anger and indifference are interwoven through the whole time.

Last night I was talking with Shawn.  He was asking how I was feeling/doing in regards to the catalyst that has propelled me the this cycle.  My response was that I don’t tend to think about it, because when I do I get blindingly angry.

And I believe his response was what I needed to hear, he said you have to think about it, you have to get over it.  And I’m transported back to my question of if I want to heal.

This morning………this morning, I find myself back at consideration.  However, in a different aspect that what has been over the last month and a half.  Yes, I still feel angry.  As I’ve mentioned it takes time.

Last night while Shawn was at a meeting I set up our tiny tree and wrapped extra lights around, as it seemed only half the tree came with lights.  I draped around it red velour and as always strategically placed the cast members who remind us of that night, when Immanuel took place.

I feel this time, in this position of consideration – it will be different.  I breathe in deep and hold on as I take a step towards Immanuel.

Life feels kinda like this right now.   A hazy, swirly, complicated. 

In part, it feels like the farther I get from ground zero of what catapulted me to state the harder it feels to go back to faith and trusting.

And of course all I hear about is faith.

My heart automatically puts up its thick walls of defense.

It’s hard to trust when you feel like God hasn’t held up His end of a bargain — which of course is a ridiculous concept.

But that’s how it feels.

A friend, who speaks in wisdom to us, says that God is exercising our faith in such a way that it’s in our face. And I feel like this is the case – that He’s standing with His arms woven together across His chest asking me now what, what are you going to do now?

In reality — this same question I’m posing to Him, with my arms knotted.

I wonder if I want to heal. If I want to trust again. Or if this anger it’s just easier, so I build my defense and push away every time I feel wooed.

This is – honestly – harder than I was expecting. I knew it would be hard……but this, this feels excruciating.

I want to take the short road to wholeness, while at the same time exercinging my interpreted right to the way I feel.

Really, I don’t know how to get back to good.

I know I’m gonna have to do this on my own.

……and i know it’s going to take some time.

The healing and the trusting.

Because even re-trusting the One who hand-crafted you can take time.

This space may be a dark a little more often while I wrestle through this season I’ve found thrown myself in.  I shared with a friend that I know healing needs to take place but it isn’t something I want to rush.  I want need it to be intentional and deliberate.

If I don’t heal and learn to trust again, I know it will affect future seasons and future breaths.

The words that I can wrestle out that can be shared I will do so.  I know that we learn from one another, and while your story won’t be the same as mine, one day…….it may help.

I’m also making some breathing space on twitter.  I find myself leaning in too much to social media to find my value and at times it hurts my heart.

Thank you for your patience with me.  And humbly I ask for prayer.

Rest.  Peace.  Relaxation.  These do not come easily for me.

I have to strive to attain them.  With a brain that would rather go 127 mph than shut down and experience silence, I’m learning slowly ways to let go.

When morning light is inching it’s way through burgundy drapes that aren’t quite closed all the way, or the laying down of my head with melodies of rain and rivers singing me to sleep, I try to be consistent in laying these burdens my shoulders feel the need to carry & place them in the hands of the One who cares so much His hands knit me together with delicate precision.

This past month and a half has been a lesson in rest.  A lesson in breathing deep and letting it go slowly.  This month of October has pushed the boundaries of rest to places where finding it has been difficult.

We took this past Sunday as a day of Sabbath.  True Sabbath.  We rested without worry of the dishes piled up in the kitchen or the laundry tucked in the dryer.  I tasted the sweet refrain of manna and allowed True Words to drown me.

How do you turn off the noise and find rest?

Do you intentionally take days of Sabbath?