He loves giving me gifts.  Surprises in all different forms.  This husband of mine who doesn’t care if he gets gifts himself loves lavishing on me.

He only wants the best for me.  My claims that I’m fine with a Kindle are met with but you should have an iPad.  My declarations that I could have spent a lot of money at a particular store that had a lot of clothes I liked are followed up with, then lets go.

He desires for me to be happy.  To have the things I desire.

I forget that God desires the same for me.  In these gray seasons of waiting for answered questions I’m straining to remember that He is equipping, teaching, molding us me into the person I need to be in the future.

This long road is not an uneventful one.  Lessons have been learned.  Hearts have been changed.  Patience is slowly learned, and when it’s waning I cry out to be taught more, with an extra helping of trust as well.

While I weary often and dig my heels in while trying to race ahead there are events I need to experience now in these gray times.  He has so much for me now.

Sometimes life goes crunch.

Sometimes cars go crunch.

Sometimes life comes crashing at you like a vehicle into your rear bumper.  The scream of bending metal and squealing tires.  Everything around you going flying by and the aching of your body.

This is the way life goes some times.  We go along only to be hurtled forward by an unexpected force.

It seems that things like this come into our lives when we’re actively seeking God about something or pursuing something.  The enemy attacks trying to divert our attention from what we’re seeking God for.  Little (or big) distractions.

When life crashes into you how do you continue to press on in spite of diversions?

I sat down as if I was being poured out from a pitcher.  Giant tears fell hard as I broke down, and fractured words tumbled out.  I didn’t understand what was going on.  Why I grieved something we never had.  There had been hope for something I wasn’t sure I wanted, and now that it was no longer an option I cried over the thing lost.

Hurt and sadness enveloped me.  I wanted nothing more than just to weep, and to give up hoping.

It’s times like these I don’t want to even dare to hope.  Knowing, or rather feeling certain the outcome isn’t going to be in the way of what hope longs for.  But I still entertain hope, foolishly my brain says in hindsight.

Hope can be a  paradox.  There are times we hope, when we shouldn’t even humor the notion.  I wonder at why we look for silver in grey clouds as we walk along pitted, dirt roads.  One moment we are pregnant with expectation, and the next our hope has been miscarried….and we mourn that which we never had.

How we balance the seesaw of hope & expectation?

How do you continue to hope when it has been miscarried in the past?

I turn 36 this year.  I’m not one to typically be frightened of a number, especially one that society has labeled as being undesirable.  40 has such a bad connotation.  I was thinking about turning 40 the other day though, and it caused my heart to skip a beat that I am a mere 4 years away.  My mom had a 19 year old daughter (me) who was a handful of months away from graduating from college when she was 40.  Shawn and I have no children (yet) and in some ways it seems as though life is just beginning.  Our horizons are being broadened thanks to this little thing called Twitter & blogging.

I’m joining Elora, Lauren, and other bloggers who are creating lists of things they want to do before they reach 30.  Yes, I do feel sort of like the odd (old) guy out.

I figured (with some playful encouragement from Elora) that since I have 4 years to accomplish a list I should shoot for 100 before 40.  I will speak plainly and say it is currently a work in progress, but I wanted to share where I am so far.  I will put a link up top () with my list.  As I meet these I’ll add the date and link for any posts written about said goal.

1.  Get at least one more tattoo.
2.  Go to India.
3.  Go on a missions trip with Shawn.
4.  Visit – in person – with Elora.
5.  Visit – in person - with Jenny.
6.  Visit NYC.
7.  Visit Seattle.
8.  Write a children’s story for my nephews & niece.
9.  Get my nosed pierced.
10.  Read the Bible in one year.
11.  Apply to go on a Compassion Bloggers trip.
12.  Learn to sew (again).
13.  Attend a bloggers conference.
14.  Take a giant step towards & adoption & orphan care advocacy.
15.  Re-learn photography.
16.  {it’s a secret}.
17.  Get my first stamp in my first passport.
18.  Paint a (nice looking, worthy of being seen by people) art piece for our home.
19.  Read Pride & Prejudice.
20.  Sponsor another Compassion child.
21.  Actually lose weight & keep it off.
22.  Submit a post to be published on (In)Courage.
23.  Be surrounded by community.
24.  Find an illustrator willing to illustrate #8.
25.  Buy all my Christmas gifts for my nephews & niece before November 01st at least one time.
26.  Submit a post to be published on Compassion’s blog.
27.  Take a painting class.
28.  Visit Portland
29.  See The Civil Wars in concert
30.  Meet the Hodges
31.  Have a long coffee conversations with Mandie.
32.  Have a long coffee conversations with Sarah.
33.  Have a long coffee conversations with Amber.
34.  Have a long coffee conversations with Lauren.
35.
36.

Some of these scare me, and some of them I’ve really no idea where they are being born out of.

And with that here’s looking at you 40.  Salud!

I’m sitting on my couch in a barely lamp lit living room.  My focus for the last hour plus has been promoting myself, or rather trying to write a proposal promoting myself in order to try and win a sponsorship to a conference.

I don’t like this.  It forces me out of my comfort zone – in a sense trying to make myself look good in order to go to something that will take me even more out of my comfort zone to mingle with people.

I struggle with feelings of self doubt.  Because seriously what chances does a 35 year old, barely known blogger from Phoenix have of winning.

Thoughts of self loathing aside I think this will be good for me.  Whether I win or not, it has caused me to evaluate this space.  Last year I wrote a post on my platform.  Not much has changed in the last 14 months but it’s been healthy for me to evaluate what I write here and what I want the heart of my focus to be.

How has doing something that isn’t within your comfort zone been good for you?

How has it caused you to evaluate your life?

I don’t have words to write any more.

.

These words have echoed in my mind over and over and over the last several days as I struggle to write anything.

Half written posts smolder like coals in my drafts folder.  Neither catching aflame nor dying out; and I wrestle on if they are even meant for human consumption.

This is a hard thing, this not having words.  I feel more as if my heart is mute – it has things to say but isn’t permitted.

This post by Emily speaks volumes to me, and in some ways I’m not sure why.  A need for hope, and to believe in miracles I can’t see.  To not give in to the desire to give up.

Do you ever feel as if your heart is mute?

[photo by Jenny Rain]

I’m a dreamer.

And now I have test results that prove it.

This past weekend I took a in-depth personality test.  A 200+ questionnaire that measured my personality, my strengths, my brain hemisphere function.  And with a great deal of accuracy my life was laid out in color pictures and graphs.

The results?  My Meyers-Briggs says I’m an INFP (Introverted/iNtuition/Feeling/Perceiving).  I’ve taken the Meyers-Briggs test before and have been categorized an INFJ.  I think that at any given time [considering my mood, the situation, etc] I could be either.  However, as I said there was a great deal of accuracy in the results.  I’m right brain dominant, learn easiest by doing.

I’m in a personality group that makes up only 2% of the general population (Shawn who is an INTJ is in only 1%).  According to their stats, I’m less extroverted than the general INFP population – 5% (me) compared to 25% (general INFP’s).  I’m also heavier in feeling than the general INFP population (74% compared to 66%).

I share this with you not to bore you with numbers you don’t care about but because I find it interesting.  Things in my personality that I’d see glimmer, I now see on “paper” and the link forms of “oh, that’s why I spend my drive home day dreaming” or “oh, that’s why I get nervous and want to get sick when I’m forced to meet new people”.

God wrote all of this into my DNA.  From being comfortable in small, intimate groups to day dreaming.

I’ve noticed myself start to analyze my thoughts and actions now in light of these results.  I wonder at other people’s personalities and wish I had this insight to them.

One of the interesting things is in the results it gives you names of people that fall into your personality group.  I think I’m in some good company with people like J.R.R. Tolkien, Helen Keller, King David, the Apostles Luke & John, and Mary the mother of Jesus.

It also gives fictional characters.  Some of these make me laugh and smile with characters like E.T., Calvin from the Calvin & Hobbs cartoon strip, Luke Skywalker, and Fox Mulder from X-Files.

I’d recommend this test.  And if you’re married I recommend both you and your spouse taking it.  For me understanding the nitty-gritty of how Shawn is wired helps me in day-to-day interactions with him.  I think it’s worth the $30 in all honesty.

Have you taken the Meyers-Briggs or similar tests?  What were your results?