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I once heard someone say that you shouldn’t yell at your spouse unless the house is on fire.  Well, unfortunately the house wasn’t on fire, it wasn’t flooding, in fact there was no sense of danger at all.  I just blew it.

As I started to come down I started thinking.  I’ve known that I fight like my mom.  I erupt.  I try to have a civil discussion and then all my frustrations, all my defenses come spewing out.  I also learned something else about myself.  Of the “Five Languages of Love” I am definitely Affirmation.  When my husband and I are having a discussion/fight I take things he says out of context and run with them.  Next thing I know I feeling like a failure, where that is never (and would never be) his intention or thought.  Regardless if the way I fight is nature (the personality God designed me with) or nurture (learning from my mom) if I lash out in anger it is sin.  I need to learn how to deal with it.  It isn’t healthy for me or my relationships.

I had insomnia last night and decided to perpetuate it even more and thought of goals I’d like to accomplish, get closer to in 2010.  I don’t care for resolutions.  I think that is just setting yourself up for failure.  I also don’t think I like goals.  To me it sounds like it is me trying to do it in my own strength, when I can tell you right now I’m going to need some serious God help in all of these.

So here we go, in no particular order, my prayers to God for 2010:

• Become a woman of prayer.  Yes, I’m praying that God would make me a woman of prayer.  I’ve experienced that prayer does move mountains.  I want to be a mountain mover.
• Live missionally.  Last May I got a tattoo on my wrist that says “Missio”.  It is Latin for sent.  I was thinking the other day that it’s taken me about 18 years of being a Christian to actually learn what being a Christian means.  God sent us to be missionaries to our friends, family, society, culture.  I didn’t endure an immense amount of pain in my wrist for pretty lettering, I did it as a reminder of how I’m supposed live – sent.
• Drop 15-20 pounds.  I’ve lost 32 pounds over the last two years (I got unmotivated at times).  I need to lose more.  This means changing my eating habits and exercising.  Since I’m still recovering from foot surgery I’m not sure what exercise is going to look like for a while.  I plan on asking my dr. what I can do when I see him next.
• Passion for my marriage (in all aspects).  God created us to be passionate people, why wouldn’t He want to bless in this way?
• Passion for the Bible.  I know me.  I’m not expecting to read it everyday (gasp I know).  I’d like to at least have more passion for reading it.  If that ends up being everyday that my spiritual growth will be better because of it.

I’m sure there are more but this is all I can think of/remember at the moment.  What are you praying that God would accomplish in your life in 2010?

I’ve been dealing with a lot of heart issues the past few days.  Issues I don’t normally deal with, but they’ve been rearing their ugly heads.

For Christmas this year Shawn and I felt very convicted to ask our family instead of buying us gifts that they would just give us the cash they would normally spend on us instead and we would be sending that to our little girl we sponsor with Compassion in India.  This was our heart of hearts.  I knew going into this that it wouldn’t be easy not receiving gifts, I mean who doesn’t like to get presents.  But it was really hard.  Selfishness started to bloom in my heart.  I wanted to get gifts just like everyone else.  My only hope was to start praying for a heart change.  I’m still recovering but God is working.

Shawn and I have been blessed far greater than we ever should be.  We are grateful for every blessing.  Part of those blessings is blessing Nikita.  We love her so much.  I believe by God’s providence, we received a letter from her just days before Christmas.  Shawn and I agreed to wait to open it and that would be our “gift” to open on Christmas.  We opened it last night and our hearts were overjoyed.

My life has no room for a selfish or jealous heart.  It was more and more room for loving on other people and blessing them.

Christmas is by far my favorite holiday of the year.  I view Christmas as if Jesus had not been born we couldn’t have Easter and the celebration of His death and resurrection.  To me they go together.  I wanted to share some of our Christmas traditions with you.

Our Tree:  Our tree is decorated in stars and red, gold, white and silver balls.  My poor Shawn had to string the lights this year by himself since I was one-legged.

Our Nativity:  We have two different Nativities that we usually put up.  One is all white, very classy looking.  The other is full color.  I have this thing with always having one of the lambs at the manager looking at baby Jesus.  As if the lamb knows that this is the Lamb of God.

Stockings:  Since it is just Shawn & I we don’t do stockings for each other (don’t need a sock full of candy), but they go up.  We have a fake fireplace with a mantle that we hang them on.

These are some sweetly, rad candle sticks we found at Ross for $10 & $9.

Vintage Family Hand-me-downs:  I was blessed to have received this ceramic tree that had been my Grandma Parks’ (dad’s mom), the ornaments were Shawn’s grandma’s, the train was one my brother and I had growing up, and the rocking horse was Shawn’s.

Monkey Bread:  Warm, gooey, cinnamony, sugary, biscuit pieces goodness.  I usually always prep it the night before so all I have to do is pop it in the oven Christmas morning.

Family:  We usually spend Christmas Eve with Shawn’s family if we are in town.  We have dinner foods and open gifts.  If we aren’t in town we are usually at my parents up North (Payson, AZ)

Nina & Ryan, Shawn, Dade (on the floor).

Christmas Morning:  If we are able (at home) Christmas morning is always just Shawn and I.  We spend the morning together, eat Monkey Bread, open gifts, etc.

This was our first Christmas as husband and wife.  I love him so much more than I did that day.

It’s not much but it’s ours.  What are your Christmas traditions?

“You are my best friend, and the one I want to spend my life with.  I will be here to listen to you, laugh with you, and hold you.  I will be here to encourage you and strengthen you as we build our life together.  I promise to be your best friend, your love, and your helper.  I commit myself to you and you alone for the rest of our lives.”

Those were our vows.  I hope that eight and a half years later I’m living them out daily to Shawn.  We didn’t include the traditional “for richer or poorer…in sickness and health…” but I think that all of that is summed up.

I’ve been “laid up” for nearly a week now after my surgery.  My foot issues go back to June.  Shawn has been exceedingly wonderful.  I know it isn’t easy dealing with me when I’m not recovering from surgery, so I can’t imagine what dealing with a one legged wife with wheels is like.  He’s been patient, loving, compassionate, and most of all selfless.  I am truly one blessed wife.

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To give you a brief synopsis.  Mid-June I was walking down the hall at work and started have pain in my left foot.  It wasn’t bad enough to give much thought to I would just limp every now and then.  The next morning I woke and the pain was worse and when I tried to wear a pair of low heels I thought I was going to die from the pain.  I went and saw my primary care doctor and was sent for x-rays which came back normal so she referred me to a podiatrist.  {Sidebar:  I found a great podiatrist that I really like.}  I wore a Moon Boot for the month of July and weaned out of it cause I seemed to be doing better.  Two weeks later I started having mild pain again.  I toyed with going back to the Dr. cause the pain wasn’t horrible.  I decided I needed to make an appointment and was glad I did.  That very weekend Shawn and I went out of town on an overnight trip and struggled with pain off and on while we were gone.  I had an MRI and discovered that I have a longitudinal tear in my Peroneal Tendon and Tendonosis (it’s not healing on it’s own).  I’d eventually have to have surgery.  Shawn and I talked and decided with insurance and continuing to have pain may as well try to do it soon.

Soon is tomorrow.  Well we’ve know it was going to be tomorrow for a few weeks now.  I am having what’s called Topaz Procedure.  It is an interesting procedure in which they shoot radio waves into the tendon to make it start healing on its own.  I’ll be off my foot for three weeks getting around with a knee walker.  I’ve been a little anxious as I’m being cut open with a scalpel, but God has been gracious in calming those fears.  I’ll only be off Thursday and Friday back to work on Monday for a short week.

I appreciate your prayers that everything would go smoothly and that I wouldn’t have any complications.  I’ll keep you updated.

Here’s a little funny for you…  Oh and the 34 years, 4 months is how long I went without ever having stitches (my whole life).  Good bye nice little record.

My first experience with Compassion Intl. was when I was in highschool.  Our family sponsored a young girl in Haiti.  Now my relationship with them is more personal.  It is my husband and I who are sponsoring our own child, Nikita.  I can’t express how blessed I am to have her in our lives half a world away.

This week I’m following the Compassion Blog Trip to El Salvador.  I’m reading the stories of five women and one man who are visiting, meeting, and getting down & dirty with the families and workers that are involved in the Compassion project down there.  The only thing I can think to say is I’m so moved.  I have to read these stories, watch the videos, look at the pictures taken when I’m at home and I can cry and not make a fool of myself.  If you get a chance I recommend reading some of the blog posts.  And if you don’t or even if you do pray about whether God would have you sponsor a child through Compassion.  It is because of one of these Blog Trips that Shawn and I decided to sponsor Nikita.

Thank you to all the bloggers on the El Salvador trip.  You are touching my life all the way here in Arizona.

This was one of the best weekends I’ve had in a while. Saturday I cleaned upstairs (minus the vacuuming and dusting, which I think that dusting up there may require a vacuum **gasp**), had a date night with my awesome husband, and Sunday was lazy and then church which can be hectic. But all in all it was good.

Sunday night at church was really good. I wasn’t bitter about being at church. My heart was in the right place for the first time in a while. After church I tweeted that I am so thankful that God loves me despite my shortfalls. As I prepared myself and my heart for communion last night I relished in that. I know that before God even created the world He saw me and knew that at this point in my life I would pull away and yet, He still loved me, still created me. Still sent Jesus to die for me. What an amazing realization.

I think that we often don’t realize we are hard-hearted till it’s too late.  We just go through life and our hearts grow harder and dryer.  When we finally do realize that we’ve become as hard, dry, cracked as the floor of a drought ridden land it takes some major, slow watering to rejuvenate our heart.

My husband and I have been on a journey for the past few years.  With my human eyes I see little if any progress.  I feel like we should be farther along than we are and I have grown quite weary.  Weary of walking, weary in praying, weary in seeking Him.  All despite praying that I would not lose passion and would not grow weary.  I can tell you that I had down “looking like everything was good”; but as I look back now I see evidences that it wasn’t.  Fights with my husband.  Not wanting to go to church.  I hadn’t really read my Bible in I couldn’t say how long.  Prayer was all but absent.

We are going through the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan in our community groups at church.  It is an amazing book, and very impacting.  I’d already read most of it by the time we started doing community groups.  Last week at group our pastor asked someone how she was doing and what she said could have been me on the flip side of my hard heart.  What was becoming her past was my present.  I recognized that my heart was hard and that I needed to change and even had the slightest desire to, but I really didn’t want to.  I felt justified. {Reminder we are never justified except by Jesus’ blood.}  Then Sunday at church we studied Psalm 63.  God started breaking about the hard ground that my heart had become.  I was ready to start bawling before the message was over.  My sister-in-law and brother-in-law led worship that night.  Within the first measures of the song I was deeply in tears.  I could feel Him pouring tiny amounts of water on and breaking apart the dry ground.  Every song we lifted to Jesus that night was my heart’s cry.

Five days later and I admit I’m still struggling.  I still feel weary.  I still struggle to read my Bible and pray.  I still want to justify my hard heart.  I know that this is going to take time.  I didn’t get here over night and He isn’t going to allow me to be “all better” over night.  I covet your prayers.

Yesterday we had a family memorial service for my husband’s grandma who passed away this Spring.  I listened as my family told of the impact that she had on their lives.  From her giving her blessing for marriage to one of my sisters-in-law before she and my brother-in-law were even dating to my husband and his brothers going to her house on Friday nights and playing games and drinking milk shakes and watching StarTrek Next Generation.

My brother-in-law, Collin said that his most impacting memory of her was her faith.  Grandma Wilma was 93 when she transferred from Earth to Jesus’ presence in Heaven.  As I listened to Collin, my thoughts kept circling back to I hope that when I die that the part of my life that was most impacting is my faith and walk in Jesus.  I don’t want people to go, “Oh, she was a Christian?”  I pray that my life would have at least have the impact that hers did.